Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Cracker Jack & The Dobies...Why I became a Singer

Cracker Jack & The Dobies 05/24/2011


I am a singer. Before I knew what acting was, or believed I could be in show business, I sang songs. Most of them were made up and full of lalalas- like the songs my mom would sing in the kitchen in that operatic vibrato she has. I took a lot of walks alone as a child. Walking down to the river, I'd sing at the top of my lungs- my voice echoing off the mountains and making me feel strong. I grew up an only child on a farm in Tennessee until I was 6. I was surrounded by adults, open air, absolute freedom, and a fantasy life that continually alters my reality as an adult...in good and bad ways both. I remember singing and loving the sound of my own voice. I would walk around the horse pasture in the walnut grove making my own music and talking to the dobermans as though they were my god-sent protectors. I sang to my pony, Cracker Jack- named after my favorite snack because of the toy in the bottom. I hated the peanuts- picked them out and gave them to the dogs. I didn't really sing for other people. I wanted attention and fought for it, but singing was private- like writing poetry would become for me as an angst ridden teen. But when I was alone I would cast spells that made me into a beautiful princess and serenade the bottom land with how I would rule my kingdom.
My parents divorced when I was six and my Mom and I moved to suburban Florida to live with my Aunt Roz. Aunt Roz and I have a special bond. As a child I remember her soft skin, manicured hand, and professional wardrobe. This travel agent read me bed time stories from Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends. By the time I could read I had memorized most of the book. My Aunt Roz, whom I am named after (Amanda Rosslyn Ladd), also ran a children's choir at the community church. She taught me music and helped me to socialize with people my own age. Music made me feel like I had a professional wardrobe like my Aunt; clothed with a purpose. I still didn't like to sing solo unless it was to my family or in a group. I didn't think I was that good. Dramatic...yes...vocally captivating....hmmmm...
When I was around 10 or 11, I went to Six Flags over Atlanta while we were getting the doberman's ears clipped into pointy triangles. My Step Mother and Father splurged and let me record a song at the park. I had never been in a recording studio before. I wore those over sized head phones to hear the accompaniment to my favorite song: "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I "wrapped" they played it over the loud speaker at the park. IT WAS AWFUL! I was out of key and sooooo embarrassed. All the freedom I felt singing in the country came to a screeching holt like the amusement park rides. I now had a recording- proof of my inadequacy as a singer. I continued to sing, but never alone- what I heard on that tape is not what I had felt in that studio. How could I ever trust my own voice?
In middle school I sang a duet with a girl at my Middle School Graduation. It was "If We Hold On Together" from The Land Before Time . I had worn a dress that was a little see-thru and I didn't have a slip. I borrowed one from my mom- she is much larger than me, so I had it safety pinned. Just as I was hitting the high note at the end...my slip slipped right off. I was so embarrassed. There was applause, but it was mired by laughter. Somehow that slip overshadowed the whole experience- the very thing that was to keep people from seeing thru became the magnifying glass in which to see everything. My humiliation was louder than my voice. I had the whole summer to hate myself and my voice.
When I was 16 I got the part of Irene in the school musical Crazy for You. Originally they cut my song because it was too sexual for my very conservative christian school. Oeida Hatcher was the director. She was also my choir teacher. I had just made it into the elite Chambers Choir. After not getting in 2 years in a row, I would finally be considered the creme de la creme of my school's singers. At the acceptance ceremony I wore a purple/blue gown from the 70's- it was my Aunt's. Ms. Hatcher knew I could sing and so she put the song back in and changed the words from "Naughty Baby" to "Haughty Baby". Where once there was a strip tease I now had glasses and a book in hand. Oeida Hatcher is the reason I am a professional actress. She probably doesn't even remember this, because I probably acted like it was no big deal in my teeny way. I was better than I thought I could be because Oeida gave me a chance. I was good and people applauded and laughed and I had my first taste. I finally had a creative family that weren't Cracker Jack and the Dobies. I had been on stage before as an actress, but somehow...singing on stage transformed me. Music opened up possibility and reinforced confidence and bravery in my life. All of a sudden I knew what I would be when I grew up.
The following year there was a scandal at my high school. It happened right after I had been cast in Camelot, my senior year Musical. I had been cast as Morgan LeFey and the voice of Nimue...but I would never get to sing "Far from day, far from night, world farewell, world goodbye. In a home by the sea, I shall go. Follow me...." Oeida Hatcher was accused of molestation- charges that were FALSE, but due to the conservative succubus that was my school, she was fired. Along with her went all of the arts teachers that supported her. They left in solidarity. My senior year was ruined. No musical, no guard competition, no Chambers Choir. I felt great loss and anger. Then- something amazing happened. My Aunt Roz and Uncle Bob got me an audition for La Boheme the opera. Longtime singers with the Master Chorale, my Aunt and Uncle were hired to sing in the chorus. I got in! It was a paid singing job with the Florida Orchestra at The Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center! Anton Coppola was the maestro. They even brought in principal singers who had performed at the Met! Oh what fun and joy and family and delight I experienced. The costumes were opulent, the set was enormous. I would be at a arduous blocking rehearsal with the dumbest smile on my face. I felt so alive and it was wonderful. I knew that I wouldn't be an opera singer, but I did know that I was going to major in Musical Theatre. So I did...and the journey began....
In college I got to stretch my legs and be a big fish in a small pond. Of course I wanted to go to New York, but my Dad was paying for school and I had to find a smaller, closer setting. I returned to the country for my college years. I went to Mars Hill College in North Carolina, less than 2 hrs from the farm I grew up on. It was a wonderfully free time in my life. I spent most of my weekends back on the farm- singing to the mountains. Even though I got my degree in Musical Theatre, I was never the typical Musical Theatre girl. I liked the artier lesser know songs. My tastes were darker than the average ingenue. I obsessed over plays like Cabaret, or writers like Ricky Ian Gordon. I was never a fan of Rogers and Hammerstein and the whole fakety fake Disney world of Musicals...but ironically, I ended up working for Disney as my first job out of college. Kids at home- never take a job for the money alone- you will be miserable in the end...I promise. As an actress, I had an easier time asserting myself as the artist I wanted to be. Singing musical theatre wasn't a natural soft cotton dress for me- it was a size too small cocktail number, but still a part of my fantastic professional wardrobe...just like Aunt Roz.
Now I'm an actress in New York. I have a love hate relationship with singing- most of which comes from the nature of the audition culture in Manhattan. Still haven't made it to Broadway. I started to mistrust my voice after a few years- maybe getting older, you don't like to squeeze into those tight ass cocktail dresses as much as you used to. I have expanded as an artist. I know my strengths. I miss my voice though. Sometimes I'll sing out loud and think to myself- wow- where have you been hiding. The singer in me is a mute at times. When I feel something deeply, the only thing that can take me deeper is music. I do know that I am feeling called to sing again. I have to start back at the beginning- singing for myself- for the sake of my own sound echoing off the everything. I'm starting a band called Cracker Jack and the Dobies...where I'm the biggest star that ever burned.

Vocals & Recent Theatre Productions, Amanda Ladd